It wasn't my tour and I didn't do anything to showcase myself while on the road but I did drive. I drove the hell out of my Mom's red Dodge Caravan. My friends Eric, Pat and Macklin needed a van to carry around their equipment and luggage and I was the ultimatum that ended with them packing themselves and their things in the van. I took the week off work without pay because I could. I just got my taxes back and I have no trouble saving up money since I primarily sit in my parent's basement and make things with equipment I have had for years or bought with bonuses.
We packed up on the 21st. We took a picture of how we packed in the amps and drums and changed it every tour date after that. The amps lined up against the bench seat with speakers facing in for security. The bass drum horizontal with the cymbals stacked on top, the only tom floating on top of luggage and all the metal laid to rest. Pat and I met up with Willy and Tony while we were out buying our stash of cigarettes (pat got a "cocktail" of poor man smokes, reds and rollies) at Discount. We went to goodwill and picked up Skeeter on VHS and Tony got a shirt that said Route 420 as a non-ironic T but we all dug it. Then we went to the new BduhB's in McHenry and instantly regretted it. March Madness was on projectors and television screens and none of us were thrilled. It was packed, there were so many workers standing around and we still didn't get out of there for an hour and a half. We wrote on the comment card that they should show skateboarding, surfing, and way better sports and to host Gay Porn night since it would really fit with all the testosterone and adrenaline flowing through the male players. We didn't eat the bones, that guy had a sick mullet who sat behind me, those teenagers in the other booth behind me were poly 2 dudes 1 guy and she definitely eats the bones. We left Tony and Willy to themselves and headed over to Jessica's house, Eric's new residency for the tokes and light shows. We actually watched Triumph the Insult Dog special and laughed. The joke "... For me to poop on" would follow us throughout the tour as promised by Pat.
Day ONE of official tour duties. I wake up at ten and pet my dogs goodbye. Bye Dancer, Bye Kaiser. Bye mom,dad, sister. I pack the rest of my cd's since I got my car back. SIDE NOTE: My car (saturn ls 2001 M!) was in the shop for five days prior to this day. I just got it back on friday and paid 2200 bucks to keep it alive. Hopefully it makes a full recovery and so does my bank accounts. I head over to Jessica's and get Eric and Pat. We go to Mack's and pick him up and our Wisconsin bud Colin who isn't in the band and just is there for our entertainment. I promised to take him to Epic Deli for Jolt because he hasn't tasted the sweet essence of cotton candy sugar water since he was a child. While we are heading there I tell everyone that I don't know how to get anywhere that we are going. Eric calls up Jessica and asks to borrow her mother's GPS. She meets us in the Epic Deli Parking Lot and lets us use it. We are saved! We only get drinks, root beers and jolts and we go and head to Columbus Ohio. Bye local, bye hometown. I put in the only road mix I made specifically for this trip. #Twerk It was first and everyone was digging it. I was telling Mack how nasty the actual lyrics are and he agreed when Busta mentioned Peanut Butter since he was eating a bagel with peanut butter. I forgot to mention the food. Eric works at Panera so he got 2 garbage bags full of bagels for the trip which lasted us all tour and more. We threw them out. Colin didn't know how you could dance to Twerk It so while I was making a right turn at 30 I decided to drop it and started fucking the grey steering wheel. Laughs ensued. The next eight hours is kind of a blur. We crossed time zones, I blew a red light in Indiana because no one was coming and I thought I was just turning out of a McDonalds. In that same McDonalds bathroom we were all rowdy while an Indian was by himself trying to go to the bathroom. Mack offered to share the urinal with anyone brave enough. Pat looked into my eyes while we were talking and I told him to not make eye contact with me while pissing. The guy seemed very culture shocked. While Driving through the west side of Ohio, Eric broke a new record. He simultaneously got 12 trucks in a row to honk their horns. We all laughed and got an interview with the legend throughout the process on Eric's tape recorder.
So we got to Columbus. The whole city was ragin' and there were people walking up and down the sidewalks, across roads, and I think some sport thing was happening. Someone said soccer but I feel like March Madness. Pat yelled "What Frat we drinking at" out the window or something equally as stupid as fuck and we all laughed. The gps didn't take us directly to the house but Mack and Eric remembered the way and we got there and unloaded. Not knowing parking in other cities besides Chicago, I parked next to the alley and asked around if that was okay. No one but Mack said anything and Mack said "Umm I'm pretty sure that's fine" or something equally as neutral and unenthusiastic as he would say. We go in the Legion of Doom which is just a house that looks like it hasn't seen it's landlord in a few dozen years. The basement was sprawled out with drawings, writings, and other musings. I took a few pictures just because everything was so crammed into a large canvas. Everyone had a voice, nothing was posted over. The tenants (Patrick and a girl that went by a dudes name Randi and a dude with dreads) made us vegan food which was superb. Homemade mash potatoes, broccoli and faux tuna salad with white bread. I made a huge plate and ate it while we stood in the kitchen/ dining room area and chit chatted with the tenants. Lots of saved cups and plastic miscellany surrounded the makeshift bookcases in there.
We went downstairs and watched the first band which was a girl guitar player/singer and two dudes one playing bass who looked like a bass player and a soccer, jiu jitsu looking dude with long hair playing some swingy drums. Not necessarily punk to the extreme but lo-fi and cool and way more present than most acts all tour. I dug them and especially any girl who is in a band not playing acoustic covers. Fresh like keep it in some tupperware. Cabeza twins were up next and I went outside to go for a smoke and get my camera but it was gone. Pat and I just looked at each other and I kept smoking just thinking, well that got towed and I'll figure it out after I smoke my cigarette. I ask the person outside if they saw anything and she just gave me a stupid, fucking huh me look and I kept smoking going that sucks but we'll figure it out. As soon as we were heading inside to tell mack the smacktacular news Eric comes running to set up. I was like dude my car is towed and he was like No dude I had to move it and I sighed relief and almost prematurely ejaculated. I thanked him and asked him where it was parked. Down somewhere by a red mustang. I did not know this place. They played and rocked like normal. Pat's joke's were It's good to be in Cleveland, something about Columbus the explorer and probably about shitting himself. They rocked like usual. I went out for a smoke after the show and Eric got the van and we loaded up the van. I went to go park it and drove around for twenty minutes completely lost in the downtown area of Columbus. I eventually find a spot and take a few minutes trying to parallel park a van since it's way bigger then my saturn and I couldn't see out the back do to everyone's shit.
I walk back and Eric is outside waiting for me and I go show him where the van is. I miss the band that Em is in who is the person Macklin knows and we are staying at. I kind of regret it but I had other things to do. Eric and I get to the van and smoke and head back to catch a Pennsylvania band. While walking back we hear a girl shout lighter! and we just keep crossing the street. Then she yells it again and we finally understand the drunk in her and walk back with our lighters out. We hand one to her and she pulls a bowl out of her sweatshirt pocket and lights it up in the middle of the busy street. I nicely invite her to the show since it's free. She asks if she can trust us. We nod. She goes back to her house to lock up while caressing my back. Eric asks her where she got the stuff from but she just keeps walking ahead. We get back to Legion of Doom and she runs to the front and waves her scarf around for 5 seconds, and walks to the stairs and gets on her phone. We never see her or the lighter I gave her again. She looked blonde with black highlights and thick college brimmed glasses and about 5,4.
War emblem blew all of our ear drums out of our heads because they screwed with the PA and PAt was pissed the rest of the tour about it. He should of moved like I did but he's stubborn. Those dudes in the band were nice and the lead singer told us where Bam Margera lived but we forgot the address instantly. I don't know the next band or what their name was. Actually both the last bands. I didn't really dig the closer, they were just kind of whatever. The second to last band's singer was a women with really long hair singing in spanish and english and it was rad. More punk then the last band. Everything ends and everyone sprawls out of this dark basement. Mack is trying to sell merch this whole time because that is what mack does. He's a personal distro for the midwest and friends. Patrick takes out the bands outside to give them their cut from the donations. Cabeza twins make 46 bucks which was rad. Gas money that fills up the gas tank. Patrick brings up the lady we brought over and how embarrassing it is living in a huge college town. Pat says it must be embarrassing for whoever brought her and they must really feel like shit and he just stares at Eric and I. I say yes it must suck for those guys right now in the present and we all scramble. We go inside and play super smash bros on the n64 and listen to Randi fart and play with some cats while Em and Mack talk in the kitchen. We thank them for their hospitality and get to Em's house on the river. Pat, Colin and I share the sofa couch and pass out.
DAY 2:
We wake up at 630, really tired since we didn't go to bed till 2ish. Pat told me he farted on me while I was sleeping. We head out and while Pat is smoking he tells me he needs to poop. I tell him to fucking go and he runs off. Everyone else is pissed because 2 others had to poop but clenched instead. I drive and drive and drive through ohio. We are so tired I don't remember too many jokes. Off the side of the road there was a doggy day care and Pat catches glimpse of a dog shitting and looking our way towards the highway. I think his remark was "Just let me be" but I didn't see the dog poop. We stop just before we get into pennsylvania. Mack gets a whole bunch of stokes which are like coffee espresso shots or something and I take a silly picture with him. I also take a silly picture of Pat being a monster and eating a barn in the distance. I pay a few quarters to use a cologne machine in the bathroom and I think it just sprayed it in my mouth. We leave and get on the turnpike which is utter, nonchalant, ass fucking capitalism at it's worse. So it's like a toll, you get a ticket, but you don't pay it till you get off. Tolls are usually a few bucks, whatever, I can find that change in my car but the turnpike was 27 to philly. That's some serious dough if you are just driving through. With that type of money you expect to be driving on your own personal road through the clouds and you don't have to drive and everyone can sleep and you just wake up and you are parked where you want to be. But nope, no free driver jumps in your car, you just get fucked. Eric takes over which is awesome and I get to doodle with Pat. We draw something with a cock in it because that is Pat's expertise and any time he draws when I'm around he asks me if I want a naked dude in it. He's gotten a drawing removed on my wii u because it's just a dude with a massive cock. The shape is all there though. Way to draw Pat.
Eric and I and Colin smoke and we go through the appalachians. Colin's a Flirt. The whole turnpike was only 2 lanes and it's pretty scary seeing the drops, sometimes with no guard rails, and it's just SEE YAH LIFE! with one false text. Then you have to go through these mile long tunnels where there is no room to move and you can't lane change but you can go 70 through and a truck just lingers to the right of you and and yellow, 70's alley light illuminates the tunnel and there's just wall to the left. Then you come out and you are 5000 feet up, elevated and you're face is falling apart and you're ears want to pop but their like, we can wait, and you're nose is like man I gotta run. You're eyes stay the same but right when you get outta the tunnel and see natural light, they are all like, WOW! I take the wheel again and drive and drive into philly. Their radio just plays Beyonce's Partition on repeat. Everything is confusing hear and parts of the city look like complete ruins and the graffiti is in really obscure "huh?" places and probably have been there for 30 years. Downtown looks like shit and there's like three sex shops on each street and parking is such a hassle. People blow reds and Pagan bike gangs follow you around and the potholes are just ponds. Some homeless man was on the corner with his pants so baggy the pants pockets which were worn turned around where at his shins. The sidewalks have so many different variations because they can't just fix the whole thing, they need to patch it up every few feet because brick everywhere and cement and other material. We try to park for a good twenty minutes so we can go to a vegan pizza place that Jake (the kid whose house we are staying at works at) but we seriously can't find anything. We pay 15 bucks to park for an hour at a lot and I'm just fed up with city driving already. Especially in a awful van.
We go into blackbird pizzeria and all use the bathroom right away. Then we go meet our house mates and figure out that they all work there. All three of them work at the same place. I find that strange but whatever. Philly is vile. Since I'm in Philly I go and get the vegan philly cheese steak which makes no sense because everything but the philly is there. It's faux meat, faux cheese and some other things but it's alright. A little pricey at 10 bucks but support your shit I guess. I get some chinese cola which just tastes like night old coke that's been sitting in front of a heated computer but it's cold too. Then Jake gets off work and we head to his place where the punks be at. We park on the sidewalk because there is no place to park and load out the equipment with our skateboards. We head in and there are degenerates and punks everywhere and we go in the basement where Jim (I think) or Phil is playing which was rad. It was just him singing and playing guitar but he was playing to tracks on his Ipod. The whole time I was looking for the rest of the band and it must of been so hard to do that without earphones in. Then we went to have a smoke and Pat almost lit their recycling bin on fire with his smoke and we just doused it in mt dew. We drink lots of mt dew. I drink more. We head in and Cabeza Twins play. I rock out with Colin and there isn't a lot of people in the basement but enough and they all just sway. The cabeza twins bought some phillies to show their support for the city. They get lost. No one moshes in Pennsylvania because it already sucks enough and if they get hurt it just sucks more.
Actually the Cabeza Twins play rock scissors paper to see who gets to play with chipped mug or something but someone wins and this weird band goes last. They have a song about the world burning and it's okay to fuck a dog and DMX song and one dude tries to sound like really deep south but they are from cleveland ohio. Their drummer just beat a piece of metal tied to a stool. Their acoustic guitar player and bass player seemed really out of place. Cabeza Twins sell their metallica print for ten bucks. We go upstairs where mack is trying to peddle his wares. Colin finds a cool cat, or the cool cat found colin while he was reading a zine. I took pictures of us all with the cool cat because he was chill. Then one of the dudes they're told us some Felinedelphia shit about how their is a cat aids epidemic. Every time we went outside we at least ran into 2-3 strays just roaming the streets seriously looking through containers for food. It was fucked up. He said there was like 5000 to 15000 different strains of HIV to these cats and this cat probably had it since it was a stray. It was declawed and they put up flyers around the neighborhood and they had to hide their two house cats because it's that fucking serious in FELINEDELPHIA. Pat and I want to make a comic about it and we drew a few pictures during tour but we will see what happens.
We sat around for two hours making jokes while chipped cup packs up to leave. Their electic guitar player hung around us for a while. We find one of the remaining phillies, the other lost or taken to make a blunt. Pat and I and Eric smoke it and eric bows out because they are severely gnasty. We try to share it with everyone walking about, smoking cigarettes or just chillin on the stoop but since it's just tobacco they all pass. We smoke a chillem and the guitar player comes over to take a hit. As he is hitting it, Pat tells him it's laced with formedahyde and he spits out his smoke. We all laugh and the dude takes off laughing. P.S. We got free weed from this old crusty from Columbus named rusty. We talked to him and he was a general asshole, calling Legion of doom one of the worst punk houses because it's sobersville in there. Eric asks him for some bud and the dude offers it, then wants a tape and Eric says no so later on the dude just ends up giving it to him and we are happy. Skol and Sunny D is uttered and we all gag but Pat makes it a repetitive joke throughout tour. We hang with the cat some more, watch some VHS tapes and everyone else talks about punk and how punk is so punk and which punk is more punk then some other punks and what being punk generally means to a punk. Punk is boring to me, the music is good but the branding of being a punk seems contradictory and it's a bummer talking about it because it's pigeon holes these chosen outcasts of society that it makes you feel like they are all trying to hard to be outcasts of society but they all do what everyone else does; listen to music that they like. We leave for the other punk show because this one was just a matinee for the real event. This is when we find out that all philly drivers are bad, even the people we are with. We follow Jake to the show but he might of forgot that he had us and another car follow him but he just takes off. We catch up where he is getting chinese, he throws on his blinkers and lets out a friend and then moves up and parks in the middle of the road to go wait on his chinese while the rest of us just wait in the middle of the road. Good thing the trolley never comes by. We leave and we generally lose him and the person following us. We through on the address in the gps and get there by ourselves.
The place is an anarchist collective free space which is big in wisconsin because I know two places there. We don't have to pay because we are with a band and we know phil which is awesome. I get beer from a person that's selling tall boys for 3 bucks to support the bands. I get pat a beer and realize that no one is carding and this must just be a haven for college kids to get beer but whatever. I guess that's punk. The first band was more rock with a swingy drummer who looked jazzy and the lead singer would take swigs off of this dudes flask while he was playing bass. I swing around and dance. We ask phil about FDR and it's close so we decide to go on our off day. I go outside for a smoke by myself and see a stray cat going underneath parked cars. The dude that had the flask passes me and I step back and he asks me how its going and I say good how about you while he is 15 yards away and he says good and comes back to talk. We talk about music not really mattering if the musicians are good. If we can vibe then it doesn't matter what genre is necessarily playing. If the musicians are good and vibe and are in sync then that is all that matters, sticking to a genre is narrow minded. Then his friend the bass player comes out and they share a drink from his flask again and I say he was good and the dudes leave and I head back in missing a band. Pat is talking to this girl flower who is indonesian and super small and is from los angeles but is on food stamps and is punk and super sick the whole time we hang with her. I missed the band from D.C. and was okay with it. I get another beer and talk to mack when he is eating and hang with eric and we go smoke in the car and the third band had some female players and they were cool. The lead singer was jarting into the crowd and tumbling on the floor and was a sober dude and seemed really ecstatic being at lava and just having a generally good time playing. Jake tapes it with a straight to vhs camcorder which reminded me of my fathers old one we used to film amateur skate videos with when I was in middle school. I was drinking and jamming but rather controlled because I didn't want to spill beer on this place. It was actually in really good shape for being a collective space. They had your familiar lbgt community type stuff and fascism books and anything else you can think that anarchists are all about. Books and books about it. Then Jake's band plays and I didn't recognize him because he was in sunglasses and a big leather jacket and he spits on flower and flower spits back and he is gets wrapped in his jacket and his band mates look all familiar and they are good, very punk but not progressive or post just what you think punk is. Colin was seen talking -- Flirting -- with a few chicks through the night. He was even spotted smoking a cigarette outside with them as well which he won't do with the bros. I go out into the car after they are done and just hang out by myself because I'm tired because everyone gets to nap in the car but me because I've been driving a lot. So I get some alone time. They come out and give a bum a bagel and a mt. dew and we head back to jakes. Jake has people over who are just talking about punk and which bands you need to hear and are just trying to get me to listen and be one of them but I'm pretty staunch in just liking the live experience, it's nothing I can get into on my own time, that I can play in a car. I hang out in the living room and just play with my drum machine and eric comes too and we both play and then the punks hear it and start playing the organ drum pre-programmed bullshit super loud over the built in speakers in the drum machine that I have and I put it away and just lay down. After the housemates went to sleep, we decide to finally fulfill Mack's monthly mission which is to film himself rubbing ointment on his filthy fungus foot that stinks all the time and can be smelled in proximity to him whenever you want to. Pat films it, and does a pan down from his face to his foot while he takes off his black sock and throws it to the side and then squirts the ointment on his finger and lathers it on his foot for a solid minute. I used my field recorder and captured the sound which is pretty vulgar. This is Mack's magnus opus to date and it's his resume for being a cam girl. Good luck! I'm ready to sleep and find glass on the carpet that I'm sleeping on but I just go to bed.
DAY 3
I wake up with people walking over me since we all crashed in the living room blocking the entrance to the kitchen. We all get up and I don't really remember exactly what we do. We take the day old bagels that are now a few day old bagels and toast them. Jake is still sleeping and some of us want to go outside because it's are day off and especially get coffee. This was probably the most sleep we got the whole trip but this flower girl is sick and I think is transferring her pollen onto us and this elevation is messing with our immune systems. But she comes with us as we head to a radical, rebellious punk coffee shop in a place they call West Philly. It's like south side Chicago where it's still Philly but for some reason they need to diversify this city. It's not that big to be honest, not like Chi-Chitty. Macks shows his true colors as doesn't grab his skateboard like Pat and I so he can walk side by side with flower so they can talk about vegetarianism and what it means to be a good punk. Pat and I skateboard around and the sidewalks are so broken that just riding down a few slabs of pavement is a special trick in Tony Hawk Pro Skater. Most of the houses had three to four stairs and some ledges but nothing to actually skate, maybe stall on. There wasn't much going on in Philly on a tuesday brunch time, and nobody walks around here because there are buses, trolleys, cta's and cars and bikes. It's a little abysmal. We see the drummer from Jake's band outside on a porch and we wave to her. I thought she looked familiar but I couldn't tell if she was the drummer or a 60 year old person because of her use of makeup and the way she puts up her blonde hair. Flower was wearing this thin scarf around her face that was blackish grey and it looked kind of like an infinity scarf but I guess it's military esque (Mack looked it up) and she kept stopping every block so she could readjust it in people's car windows which looked odd. I didn't fondly take to her like Mack and possibly Eric because she was just a floater. She said she was a pastry chef in L.A. and other things there but now she's stuck in Philly with a plane ticket out at the end of April. We get to the coffee place and it's really small and drab and all the walls are black and it's mostly vegan. I get a coffee and a bean burrito and wait twenty minutes which I thought was a tad too long for a breakfast place since fast is in the name. I actually got up to check on my food and got to watch them butcher the half cut on it. One side was about an inch and the other was 4 inches. I saw them chuckle about it then look back and saw me watching them and they didn't really care. The food was alright like most vegan food is. Egan's eating Vegan was sang which was one of the songs sang on trip, the other being Colin's a flirt ... colin's a fucking flirt. Pat heads across the street to get a real philly cheese steak and get's it hoagie style. I finish my coffee and head over because no one is doing anything at the coffee shop except sit on their phones which they end up doing the whole trip. Texting and surfing the internet from the safety of being a back seat boy because their is suprisingly a usb charger back there. Strum for the bum for sure.
I go out to have a cigarette and see pat getting his hoagie and I skate over to him just to be outside. It's a little chilly and I feel it in my bones and it smells a little like burning metal in Philly but it's better than sitting in a faux-cave. So Pat lets me take a bite and it's the only bite I had of a philly in philly and it was alright. The mayonnaise was good on it but I just had a philly recently in crystal lake illinois and it was hella better then that thing. Everyone comes outside and we literally hang out out front of the coffee shop for half an hour blocking the path and just being a nuisance. We don't really do anything productive but people get their flirt on and I skate around and Pat get's told to pray and the wonders of jesus christ and a black lady prays for him that night, or promises too. we eventually head back to the punx house that doesn't care that we don't lock their door in a rather seedy neighborhood but whatever. We sit around at the house. Colin says we should jam and we head downstairs and he plays drums and I bring my microphone and starting singing. Pat jumps on drums and colin jumps on a guitar just sitting around. I sing some stupid shit about philly and driving. eric jumps on drums, colin leaves and Pat and I dual vocals and that adventure is over in about ten minutes. We try to get mack and flower to come down but they are too busy not really doing anything which seems like the thing to do. Jake wakes up or might of been up and him and the roommates make a flyer for the chill cat stating how chill it is and how it's declawed. Hopefully they found a home for the little guy because it was way to chill and possibly sick to be on the street. He cuts up paper on the floor and just leaves the bits there. I was thinking about helping clean up the house when they left for work at 4 but this is when I decided not to because they might be offended and might like living in waste and squalor. PUNK. We eat more bagels. Flower spent her remaining money on a fifth of whiskey and eric pat colin and her take a few swigs on the couch. Pat and Eric get over an argument at a church trying to decide if the windows were buttresses or not. eric says no because they aren't coming out of the building and Pat says they are still buttresses and if they are out of the building then they are flying buttresses. Pat is right but I think talking about architecture for a good ten minutes, twice while passing the same church is derivative but at least he wins something. We watch the previous nights show on vhs because Jake is taping a tape for the band and you CAN SEE ME HAIR in the shot. Fabulously famous. Then we watch a few other shows he has taped and watch one where a bass player and drummer half way through their set take out a bag and eat magic mushrooms which is totally radical.
We head out again for a afternoon snack and walk the same way we went to the coffee shop and pass the same places. I do a cool trick at a church where I let the board ride away and I step up on some stairs and go underneath a rail and go back to my skateboard. We go to some bodega that makes sandwiches. They have a television that is reporting a burger fest and flower gets pissed and says this is news and mack agrees with her and this pisses pat off because it's just television. If you want facts go find them but if you want entertainment watch television. complain like the rest of the whatever you classify ourselves as because you sound like one of them. Then we read in the newspaper that pagan's killed someone yesterday and thats when we find out that the guy on the motorcycle yesterday following us was in fact a pagan. We got a little scared and took our sandwiches and ate it at this "totally chill" parking lot. The thing that Philly had that wasn't complete trash was awesome full wall murals. This one we ate at had all these people doing menial tasks like cooking and cleaning and mowing and it had diversity and culture and it was cool. We went back home. Pat and I didn't want to just sit around anymore and wait for the next thing to happen. But we ask around and see who wants to get to FDR skatepark and Mack and Flower bow out and so does Colin. eric agrees to tag along which is awesome. We head out and the secret journey continues.
We don't use the official garmin gps and use Pats phone which leads us to a side of philly I don't think anyone wants to see. I can't believe it even exists. We take some weird turns and head to the highway. But before we get there, more people blow red lights and we get stuck behind a trolley. We hit the highway and go over a super bridge that doesn't even go over water. It just goes over a polluted swamp marsh and surrounding us is smoke stacks that are making clouds in the sky and they are definitely just dumping waste right into the water. Then we pass over the bridge and everyone is going 70 and it's a little insane. The gps literally tells us just to fall off the bridge to the skatepark since it's underneath a bridge. Then we get lost. We get off at the next exit which was a bad idea while Eric goes through the gps to try and find our way. We pass a whole road, probably more than 2 miles that is just filled with landfills, junkyards and used tire salesmans. We are instantly hit by the stench of the trash heap and by the people with shopping carts and no teeth. Also no one is really around, driving on these roads, but the roads are pretty nice. I see a whole bunch of cars just facing different directions in the middle of the road in the suicide lane and scratch my head. I scratch my head a lot because no one are in these cars and they are JUST PARKED in the middle of the road. This is how philly gets over overpopulation. Just park wherever. Foreshadow PSYCHE! Then we see something that we thought was amazing but once we got closer we noticed it's internal logistics is really assbackwards. All of these stadiums are on the same block. 4 of them! We try so hard to follow the bridge to get to the skatepark but we keep having to turn around because parking lots block us or fences. 2 games are tonight so the traffic is getting more congested. Another people blow a red light to make a LEFT and they honk at us to blow the light as well. we refuse. Trying to get to the park but we end up in the Navy Shipyard and the attendee waves at us and we pull a u turn and try to find another way in. We look around and know where it is but do not see a way to actually get there. We keep just looking around and get turned around and end up in the shipyard once again and everyone is leaving their post so we wait and wait because we can't uturn again. The attendant gives us a strange look but we don't even wave this time, we just drive past with our heads down. No one is handling traffic and it's backing up and the right hand lane is packed trying to get into the stadiums. We see a skateboarder and ask him and he simply tells us how to get there and we find the entrance super easily. We get to the park and it's rad. Just like tony hawk pro skater. But to an actual skateboarder who doesn't skate cement too often or know how to carve and shit, it's really fucking scary. Scary and intimidating and a few of the dudes there just rip that place apart while I try not to get in the way in their thought. They have a 12 foot cement half pipe. No one skates it ever. I skate the mini and have some fun. I skate the little skate plaza next to the cement hills and have a little fun. I take a few pictures and this is when my camera runs out of batteries so this is when the photo's stop. The skaters there, which one was the dude who told us how to get there, told us about an entourage which is a blunt or a strand of weed. I don't get the culture and just nod. I do the same line over and over with no results. This park is above my skate level and I don't want to kill myself because I'm the driver and I don't want to embarrass myself either. These people should leave so I can try some stuff but we end up leaving. The roads are worse now. We find a secret exit out that I wanted to take in and get by the stadiums. Secret exit to hell. Philly driving is the shit I don't like. We have to go through a turn about that is backed up and no one is following the lights and are blocking my path into the turn about lane so once it turns green, I throw my hands up like I don't know what I'm doing and just go forward, completely blocking the intersection. People look at me strange but fuckit. fuckyouandfuckthisroad. I turn around and I think I'm not supposed to go this way because of the cones and the cop but I make eye contact with him and just go. People turn out of a street that isn't supposed to turn my way and almost hit me, the right lane is completely backed up and I just get out of their as fast as possible. We look in the rear view and all the lanes are stopped with people with their right turn signals on and it's horrendoous. We leave and get home in 12 minutes which the drive there took about 30 if not more.
Mack wants to get free pizza and Pizza Bird veganizzera but I halt the process and take a shit. We go and finally find parking really simply and the sign right in front of me says 2 hour parking. So I thumbs up the sign and we go get some pizza. Pat and Mack yell at some kids on bikes for just riding. We see the house mates and it's really awkward getting free food looking like scum bags in front of paying customers. I go up to counter and point and take a juice and just go and shrink in my seat. Mack has the audacity to get two slices and flower just wants to sit there and keep eating because she's so poor she has no money. But she has a home that isn't her's. She's a transient, or vagrant, or hobo. Started from the bottom, we're still here. Guy shrugging on a tattoo. Ziggy/Ziggy 2016. Colin's a flirt. We go back to the car to try and go to a good will that is called AIDS because it aids people and they help out people with aids. But it just closed. We get to the van and I got a parking ticket. I don't know why but the sign that I tipped my hat too had a small font part that said pay at kiosk. No one told me, not even flower and she resides in Philly. So It's 36 bucks and everything just kind of shrugs it off. Don't pay it dude but it's my mom's car and I don't really have the heart. I don't hate the government as much as these punks mostly because I work and make more money than them and I pay for their student loans even though they have to pay those off. So I pay that when I get home. We get back to the house and put in top gun and film more foot fetish films. Flower leaves us to go upstairs and politely die by herself. She just coughs and blows her nose. She nicely left her tissues around the house of her blown nose residue which consisted of mucus and blood. Thanks GF! The first of the foot festish films today was one featuring colin standing on a chair but all you can see is his feet and it pans in on mack and goes to him massaging his foot with foot cream because he is a gross vegan. This is the only surviving foot fetish film that exists. I get the sound but I just put it on a box and walked away so I wouldn't laugh really hard. We find a license plate and Pat puts his foot all over it and we spill mt dew on it and I get that on the field recorder as well. Then we make the best one which is super sad because it got recorded over. Pat and Mack put on ski masks and head into the bathroom. I put the field recorder in there and we begin the scene. I enter the bathroom and pan out seeing Mack and Pat's face as they look seriously into the camera, I head down slowly from Pat's head and go down to his foot and you can see Mack's hand pouring mt dew all over his foot. This goes on for 10-15 seconds. Then Mack gets a bagel and throws it into the bathtub and Pat takes his foot and crushes it between his toes and smushes it into the bathtub slowly and surely as the mt dew pours like waterfall over the carnage. Then I pan up and get Pat and Macks face again as they are laughing there asses off. We show everyone that enters Jakes house and no one truly understands it but I think they "Get" it. We go back to top gun until Jake comes home. I'm already in my pjs trying to fall asleep on the couch but he wants to go to a birthday party. I thought we were all going to sleep but everyone else agrees to go so I go too. Social Pressure! We go to the guitar player in jakes band who is a girl house and she is having her birthday. IT IS VERY TAME AND THE HOUSE IS VERY NEAT AND STYLISH. It's pretty strange since I know no one and no one like Mack or Jake introduces us so it's just Pat, Eric and Colin sitting in the living room going threw the people's stuff and they all subtletly dance in the kitchen to music that isn't necessarily punk. Eric and I read Matt Groening's Life sucks. I read Love sucks and who ever lives there put people's names in for the girls and guys that Matt Groening is hinting at that everyone is. Some girl comes down and says how great they are and I agree and that I haven't read these in a decade and she goes away. We head back to the archway between the Kitchen and Living Room and sit and stare at these people. Probably about 10-15. We find a crack in the wooden floor and we can look into the drab basement that looks like you would put a dead body or kidnapee. We learn and play a new dice game called ceelo which I hope is named after ceelo green. You roll three dice and try to get them all matching. You get to roll three times or until you get one match with two die. You take the match and then the third roll is your score. 456 is an auto win. if it's a tie then you double down. Mack loses before I even blink and he is 5 dollars out. Eric puts money in and wins and wins and wins and comes out 25 or so ahead. I go in after eric leaves and take about 8 out after a double down. The bass player in Jakes band who is intimidating and might be on something comes over and wants to play a 20 dollar game and he didn't even play the dollar games. Jake and eric say they will do ten and the dude rolls a 456 and wins and that game is over. Pat eric and I and possibly colin take off to go get a dew and go and track down a gas station. All of them are closed from the inside but you can order from the window. We window shop one and are pissed that we can't go inside so we go to another one down the block and it's smaller and still closed on the inside. So I head back to the first one and get a code red and some chips and he gives me sour cream bullshit and I split it with everyone because I really don't like those. We head back to the house and Jake is playing a game of bloody knuckles on a vinyl dining room table. Blood is splattering everywhere and Jake keeps screwing up and keeps getting hit. He is bleeding while the other persons fist are unscathed. I walk around and have a cigarette and pretty much was wishing I was asleep. It's not only lame but I don't know anyone but the housemates. We come back in and Jake won and smeared blood over his forehead as a tribute to his win. The other dude I don't even think bled but knew that Jake was getting crazier and crazier throughout the time. I dance my way over to Mack and interupt his flirt game. We try to pick up and Jake gives us a number but the dude doesnt have any and one of the dudes that lived there sold so we got some and he showed us his collection of trash treasures. A music box and some naked plastic dolls. We leave. Jake forgets that people are in his cab and he flies around corners as eric gets passed between walls and walls. poor guy. We drop off a girl and get home and watch repo man and go to bed. Jake messes around in the kitchen and watches it with us until I sleep.
DAY 4
SHITTSBURGH
We woke up and left Philly as soon as possible. Not only did we over stay our welcome but it was just time to leave. We had another 6 hour drive or less to Pittsburgh and another money suck on the turn pike. We say our goodbyes, Flower is never seen again presumably bled out from her infected nose ring, I think we all hug jake and leave. I totally thought our van was going to get broken into since we left the gear in their over night but by my surprise and some good faith, it was still intact parked on a sidewalk. No boot either. We gas up before we go and I get a 2 liter since we are down to our last dews. I say this will be finished by Pittsburgh, which is was. The drive is a blur, the backseat boys are at their phones again diddling their time away. I never get to sit back there because I was the "owner" of the van. Eric might of started out the adventure but I know I took it through the tunnels. As we got out of the appalachians, our ears popped back into their normal places and we all webmd'd our elevation sickness and went back to dry throats and runny noses and slight head pressure. We check out some super tourist trap in Pennsylvania. I don't remember the name but it was taken straight out of Crumb's playbook of what Americana was turning into. Literally a square mile was sprawled with 20 gas stations and every chain of eatery you could imagine all descending downwards to some seedy looking, 90's sci-fi cliche of paranoia, too many electrical wires, and everyone's worst acid trip. Pat showed us this awesome gas station that served food that is all on a computer. The whole time I didn't want to stop to make a point that I wasn't going to stop at everything Pat wanted to stop at but we did because it was here and it was pretty gross. Touch screens layered in grease and car b.o. while you wait in a non-existent line. Eric didn't even get out the car, too engrossed in his MMAnime, too bothered to look up. I was about 3/4's through my dewliter.
I finish my dewliter while still coasting down the mountain beginning to get terrified for my life. Some of these drops are humongous and have nothing to prevent you from carelessly falling over the edge. Not even a guard rail or those groovy stripes on the other side of white lines. This must be the white lie every Pennsylvanian carries with them every time they decide to drive. To get to a location or to kill myself in some awesome car stunt down the side of a mountain. I doubt anyone takes it. We pull in to Pittsburgh which looks like an old movie from the 50's in a few ways. First it looks like a run down, manufacturer's town with boarded up buildings that barely pass above three stories all made of cheap, readily available wood from the ravine not to far away. We stop at a walgreens to go to the bathroom which doesn't even own one. I decide not to piss on the carpet in back and decide to venture down the road towards any place I can find. I don't get why cities have random portajohns around, you know just for convenience. I guess in towns like these, bums would be found sleeping in that area where your feces ends up and needle pushers would be found face first in the plastic urinal from their much needed o.d. But convenience is POWER and man I had to go. Everyone looks poor on this side of town and possibly in that weird transition of just out of prison about to go back to prison style. Their clothes mimic the attire found in a state penitentiary. I find a kfc just a block down to leave my situation. I feel bad just going in there and pissing everywhere so I decide to get a lemonade from the fountain which was a mistake. I end up waiting two minutes in line with myself so an employee leaving can chit chat with the employees not leaving. I feel odd placing my order for a medium drink and high tailed it out of there to meet back up with my fellow Illinoisans. I talk to some old black guy at the cross walk and give him a cigarette and keep briskly walking back to my group. All I can think is buddy system. We decide to leave this part of town and head towards the gig and we ask ourselves, where the fuck are we?
Now things get weirder. Right after this really poor part of town and I'm assuming Main St. is a main street, just a half mile down after a little bit of construction, it ain't anywhere if there ain't construction not being finished. Then on both sides of us, where segregration starts, are humongous brick mansions that are big. That one had a punk coming out of it who eventually walks past the venue we play at! That one has two chimneys, that one has really nice brick, that one has pillars, that one is probably a lot of money, that one IS a lot of money, looks there is children not playing in leaves but playing in hundred dollar bills just blowing away calmly through the stank. Then another half mile where the venue is supposed to be at is dirt. Dirt road I kid YOU not. That was under construction. Hell a main road and it only has two lanes. Now just one. We see the venue, we drive past the venue. We turn around. We see the place we were told to get a sandwhich which is across from the venue, we pass the sandwhich shop, we turn around again. Where do you park? Right off this main street was a eerily placed subdivision with lawns. All the streets have permit parking I think. We park, find cars with permits and street sign saying we can't park here without it. Since we almost got our car towed in Columbus, got a ticket in Philly, I became serious and say we have to find a place to park and not risk it. We eventually do, I hope and get out. Man this street looks like shit. Not just the construction, but there is one bodega, the venue named after mr. roboto which is a collective space suspiciously owned by everyone but it's pay to book, and everything else looks like it is out of business. There is some unfinished public art all around the place. One looks like a limp metallic, ceramic weiner coming out of the ground but both parts are incomplete and you can see the wiring. There isn't any graffiti since they can't afford the spray paint. Lots of scary people walking around at 3 pm. Can't wait for night time! We walk into the sandwich shop and it's good. It's locally run, a nonchain. They had pinball which we played until we were all out of quarters. I lose miserably on an old machine. I eat my sandwich and it's pretty good. We head back to the van and move it behind the venue because parking now back there is free because the school is let out and we all either nap or relax as comfortable in a car that's filled with stank, b.o, and mack's fungus foot inching closer and closer to your seat. I watch a dude try to start his scooter over and over. He tried to get this thing working for two hours. The people show up at the venue and we unload and put it right up on the stage because there was one. We find out later that we didn't have to play up on stage and none of the other acts don't because they want to be one with their fans which means that they want you to trust them and for you to give them your parents money for a rad record and to look at an late 20 year old play bass in urban outfitters while just chillily nodding his head.
The space has some 30 day art series where artists do art once each day. It's alright but a lot of these things look like they came right off pinterest, all drawings have some cute cuddly creature in them, each writing had to do with love and living in the present, and each cross stitchery had to do with irony. All of it had to do with irony. Mack used to curate shows at our community college and he is vehemied over the lack of attention on the hanging of the artists work. Why spend all this time doing this shit if it's just going to be hung like shit. Fuck this stuff. I read there cool kickstarted biography of this place. Wow it looks like it used to be really cool and open and not be a walking internet cliche, what the fuck happened? Oh everything got serious because their was a forum for the venue where internet creeps went full retarded and took it into the real world. Oh yeah and this place was taken because it was cheap because it was in an "ethnically culturally" part of town and now white people are everywhere starting up their own stores and restaurants thus inflating the prices pushing out the mom and pop shops that thrived in this area. This place is and knows it is segregating this area of town. Oh white people. We done it again.
People kind of start showing up at the start time. I knew that this was going to be more pop punky then thrash punky but what am I looking at. People in striped shirts and feathery hoods and tights BLUE jeans. Those are supposed to be black, that shirt should be either black or white and a jacket? jean jacket or death. Cabeza Twins are about to start and there is probably 30 people here. Not bad for an out of town band that wasn't really supposed to be playing tonight. Side note: They weren't supposed to play tonight do to miscommunication between a person Mack knows and a person that set up a show. A band dropped so they got to play. We were promised to get paid but PRAWN'S record label didn't want us to play or get any money because they needed it all for their families/ drug habits, so we eventually ended up not getting paid and probably selling the least amount of merch at any show. They play and everyone doesn't know what to do with their arms or legs. Most people go sit in the venue's bench seat, some people get up close to the stage and others just watch from a distance. Mack keeps saying Fuck This after everything he says. here's are next song, Fuck This. Thanks Whoever for putting on this show, nevermind fuck this. Pat offends all of Pittsburgh by talking about the turnpike. He says turnpike, more like turn around and go home. Everyone ooooh's in the crown and Pat says "not like that you perverts" and everyone looks dumbfounded. People clap them off stage and we all just stay by the merch for awhile. We all hate it here besides Eric who likes this music which isn't bad but starts to blend into each other. Just like most music, the drummers are the real cat nip. Maybe it's just punk but damn they got to work hard. The next band is the dude dylan who booked the show and a kid who drums in one of the other bands. They were good, probably the best act because they were still trying and it was only a two piece. Pat and I go outside and just start rippin' on Pittsburgh. Everyone looks like Tumblr in there. I tumbled into the Pitt. Armspittsburgh which Mack actually said on stage. Some girl tells me her problems while walking inside and I tell her afters she's inside to shut your sewage drain. THIS PLACE SUCKS. Some five or six piece plays of all college students and it's alright. Too many instrumental parts that go nowhere. Too many genderless people here to know what I'm looking at. Does that women think I'm a women too or is she looking at me because I'm out of place with my Calgary Flames retro jersey. Am I too cool for this place or not cool enough. A bum walks in and Mack gives him a chair to sit in. The dude is so dumbfounded by this that he gives mack a bag with a ps2 in it and says keep it. Fuck that dude has been through some shit. Mack trades it for a t shirt with the band next to us on the merch table called Fun Home. Who played next and had two asians in it and they were probably the best band because they were lo-fi and were actually good. Everyone was good except Prawn. Fuck them and being too old and being too liked for not doing anything exceptionally well. Eric, PAt and I leave to get mountain dew to chug with people. Pat says we must really feel like pieces of shit smoking in parking lot in Pittsburgh. I dew. We come back and shot gun dews on the sidewalks. Pat stabs through his can with a butterfly knife and hit his hand which is funny. We pass out dews, it rains sideways in pittsburgh and maybe snows. At night it gets really dark and on this side of town there isn't any street lights because they can't afford them and no one with a brain would come out this late and it's only ten. Prawn blows and pretends to care on stage. Gives a shout out to all the band that played and said how they showed up early and caught all the acts which they definitely did not. These dudes really can go suck on a pitt that was already spit out. We pack up and leave, i'm sure i'm missing a lot of jokes here but we really didn't stop making jokes about pittsburgh for two hours. Even the rats won't fuck there. It made Pat cry tears of shit because it was so stupid and silly and shitty. and at one point told Pat that he had to stop by the time we got to the house we were staying at and Pat just pauses, mumbles and says "Fuuuccckk." Everything in pittsburgh is being slowly pulled down towards hell, everything is a hill, everything is a racine. We get to the house and a black ten year old gets shorts on pat's cigarette and vanishes into the shadows. The place we end up staying at is awesome but can't play shows anymore do to handicap accessibility. It's a large basement with graffiti on all the walls a hammock in the middle of the room. Eric goes out for some food and finds a vagrant looking for cash for her car because she ran out of gas. He brings her inside and we give her like two bucks and she hugs eric and we call him an idiot. Pittsburgh just keeps taking and taking away from us. I give up my foam mattress because pat can't get into the hammock and I decide to sleep in there for the night.
DAY 5
WHAT A FUCKING MISTAKE.
First, it took too long to go to sleep for how exhausted I was. We were getting very little sleep, I wasn't taking any naps since I was driving or co-piloting, sleeping on floors, skating, dancing and thrashing and smoking was taking it's toll. But back to the underground hammock. It took way too long to get it to sit still. Any bit of movement from scratching my balls to talking to the other dudes would sway the damn thing. It would sway and eventually lose some momentum but never all of it. I pass out and have some nightmare. The month of March I was having recurring ex-gf dreams and this one was creepily lucid and nauseating. After waking up, I think everyone else was awake too, I really feel like shit. My neck hurts but not in the usual neck hurt pain from possibly bobbing your head too much or even from driving. It was a deep pain from not having your neck supported right. The hammock tricked my neck bone into trusting that it had my back.
We leave the basement to get out of pittsburgh. Not before a FEW stops at some quality local, independently run shops. Actually we snag a few free cds at the place for the car ride back to columbus where we are meeting back up Em to hang out for another night. But before we officially leave pittsburgh, we head to a giant thrift store at the bottom of the hill we were residing on. The hill was probably , first of all, all of pittsburgh but our slope was about two in a half miles straight to a three way with the thrift shop right in front of us. The parking lot was packed at 11 am and we were wondering why. It was senior day 50% off with your senior card. They were falling out of the walls for this sale. They were actually walking to this one boys and girls. We went in and just scanned around. I didn't really want to spend the money on anything that was either a novelty or useless. I really just looked at the electronics to see if they had anything goofy I could use in my live sound but nothing of significance was in the whole place. Even the Pittsburgh Pirate and Penguin jerseys were cheap and filthy and I easily passed them up and so did the retirees and my Jersey Boy, Pat. Mack got some sunglasses that had the price glued on the lense. Pat got a Pittsburgh Fireman's jacket that either came ripped and we did not notice it in the sleeve while there or pat did that one. One of us got hit on, I think Pat or Mack, because they didn't know it was senior discount day and a lady said she could purchase the item for them. I think that's the equivalence of an old lady makin' the first move but I wouldn't know. They usually think I am a young lady with my long hair.
We decided to get some brunch before we headed out of this shit hole. And what better breakfasty place to parallel with shit then Denny's. We gpsed our way there and ate. Well first we saw the dumbest looking spock doll in a claw machine that looked like a super skinny, pencil headed asian. It might of not been Spock. We all made our own skillets which costed a lot of money for a little bit of food that took 50 minutes to prepare because they couldn't make it right. We didn't return our food but a waiter told us that they kept fucking it up. Obviously pittsburgh doesn't know how to make a skillet which is the easiest thing to make. There really isn't a wrong way to do it but good thing we weren't in a rush except that we wanted to leave this state and return back to humanity which I guess is Columbus Ohio. If I didn't say this earlier, here it is. Pat has had to shit all trip but either he missed his chance, we were in a car, he was playing or he misfired. I was kind of a finnicky driver when it came to bathroom breaks but I wasn't bias. Even if I had to go to the bathroom I would say I wouldn't have to go. If people asked to go, I would prolong it and if they got mad at me I would go on the defensive and just say that they should tell me what exit had bathrooms and to immediately stop. I just wanted to make the best time we possibly could and not drive stop drive. because there was times where we would stop and then half an hour later people would want to stop again and since two of the four (Colin drove for 15 minutes) people weren't driving, I wanted to stick to a position. Either be up and about and walking around or pacing or sitting but not back and forth. So we got out of the pit and out of the penn and paid our dues of 30 bucks that will never been seen again, probably lining some one's pockets. I was the toll troll from billy goat's gruff and in 1st grade I learned that this type of theivery was unmistakably bad but what's bad becomes implemented and those roads will eventually end into the valley of the Appalachians and everyone will be as happy. Fuck off Pennsylvania, I wouldn't die there.
Hello West Virginia. Your cities look really misplaced and methy. I won't drink your water, We won't even stop in your state. How come your towns have unorganized subdivisions that can be seen from this bridge and why do they look so old and the same? Why white? When will both the Virginia's combine and be swept up by a Atlantic hurricane? Bye West Virginia, on to a top tiered state of Ohio. I only say this because two of my cousins live here.
We drive, I think for only four hours. There really wasn't much going on. We got to Columbus Ohio 6 hours before Em got off work at Staples. This dude must have the best fitted job I ever heard. He makes zines and works at Staples and probably gets some mad discount and does this stuff for free. Waiting around for him, we decided to go try out a skatepark he recommended. We get to a park and drive around in a few circles. All I can see is a public pool that is obviously still closed in March. But we catch skaters off in the twilight and find a place to park which isn't the closet lot but who cares. We all skate over through a path that's cut through fresh green grass. It's nice to stretch the legs but it's the sort of weather that is too much to wear a coat because it gets in the way of the skateboarding (arm movement, flexibility, and heat) but too chilly without it. I took it off regardless and got a runny nose and had to snot rocket my way back down the pool. Oh wait I haven't explained the park. So they turned a 50's style community pool with a shallow end that gradually ends into two deep ends one six foot another ten foot into a cement skate pool. It was actually really awesome to see this because it was the first time I got to skate a beginner cement pool and work my way up to steeper sections. Mack and I coasted around the really smooth section for a few hours. It was fun coming out of the small lip on the pool and manual back down into it. It was really nicely done, there was some rocks in the six foot but it was one of the first days after the ARTIC FREEZE winter we had. It just hit spring and it was great riding the board. Mack was having a lot fun. One dude there was pretty nice and talkative and we chatted about the area and where we were from. Pat and Eric went back to the car and did their phone thing. Pat was chit chatting a lot with his new gurfrent Madison. Then these two kids and their way older friend hopefully father showed up and just ripped the place to shreds. I wish I could skate bowls or had the confidence to grind on coping but they were sliding around the curvature of the bowl in the ten foot and doing no complies and just really showing all the old school and progressing to modern pool skating. Even their dad was ripping as well which was really nice to see father and son bonding over a board.
Then we went to a bar in the collegey part of Columbus that the dude that we crashed at in Pittsburgh told us about. It had vegan affair so Mack was all about that place so we went. Actually scratch that we went to an army surplus store first. Mack got this wrap around head scarf thing that Flower was wearing because it was so cool. It was actually made for troops in desert climate to obviously keep sand from your face and getting in your shirt. I hate sand. I don't like it on my feet or in my socks or really anywhere but in a castle or colored in a container spiraling and looking cool. Glass is cool too. We walked around and asked the guy about conceal and carry. He said we could walk around with a knife outside and in plain sight and it was okay but when you hide it, then it's illegal. Kind of weird but makes sense. At least people know you have a defensive equipment. Pat and eric got a french gas mask to wear at the next show which was in Indiana. I got a pair of green wool socks and a hat. I ruined my hat immediately when I got home because I accidently washed it and it shrunk to unwearable limits. If any one knows how to get it back to normal, shoot me a message. Pat got some headwear gear that you would wear if you didn't have a hood or if it's so cold with your hood you need a double hood and a pair of socks to match mine. Then we went to that bar which I'm pretty sure wasn't supposed to house minors which was everyone but me. I had some dark beer that was a special and it was gross. I played an arcade game, spaceshippy type game maybe centipede and lost because I forgot you could move forward. Pat beat my score relentlessly. I went back to my seat in embarrasement and ate my vegan mac n faux cheese and was still hungry. We really didn't like the vibe there, sports on the television, regular folk all around the bar and tables and it was just boring. We left and found some stray cats and Mack found a stray hat and made it stray again because it wasn't one of ours.
We went to Em's and parked by his house and just walked up and down the road waiting for him to get off work. I apologize because I forgot his Significant other's name but we were waiting for her too and she was really nice. Then we walked to the venue. We found it was 5 bucks each and about to start and we all decided to go and pay and be those people. Pat went to the atm to take out twenty bucks. He paid for himself and Eric and had to also pay a transaction fee. 23 bucks for twenty but who cares. That was his Fafsa.
We get called to meet up down the block, they just got off and was going to pick up a pizza that they called ahead on. I got there and decided I was hungry and asked everyone if it was cool to get some food. Foreshadow. I ate, they ate, we played with the decades of grease on the table making it a finished table, and we left. We got to the bar/venue and no one was in there. Probably twenty people. Four actually by the stage. The band was awful and unforgettable. The lead singer was trying to act all punk but it just came off as a dude trying to act punk trying to be what punk rock was. The dude drank beer and spit it on the floor and the rest of the band just gave each other these weird looks like "where are we... in life" and they got off stage. I finally convinced pat to take that shit here at this shithole. Pat agreed and ran off to destroy a bathroom that finally deserved it. The next band was the worst. Worse than prague musically. Some band with Casanova in there name. I used to remember but really, It's been a few months and another thing, the band was terrible. They were Green Day from Boston. They all had this super rad gear though. Someone paid big money for that, probably the lead singers father after he turned him down for billy joel plastic surgery. Their guitarist literally didn't tune his guitar so he spend about eighty percent of his time not playing and just standing on stage. I think he actually left at one moment in time to go die. Their bass player looked pretty rad but each note he played, the more he became brain dead. Also the fucking band walked on with all leather, punk jackets and just threw them to the side. Stage presence hit, work uniform unlocked, on to the next bar in the tri-state area. Never again. Then it ended. It just stopped and we thought there was two more acts to be had. We all anticipated it and the two Mack wanted to see didn't even play. Not one. So we headed back to Em's. Eric and I smoked and we all decided to watch America's Funniest Home Video's and laughed so hard. We were all throwing in comments and everyone was funny. I don't know how it happened and it won't be happening again. It's just one of those riffs that turns into a six person band. Then we watched a snowboarding monkey movie and all passed out because it was funny then after twenty minutes just turned into nothing. A monkey saving a little boy because he's lonely. What a very conscience monkey. More conscience then any human in the entire film. His father didn't give a fuck. This was our last night in Columbus. On to Indiana! The band was CASANOVAS IN HEAT. Beware.
ON OUR WAY TO INDIANA
I don't think we talked about how we turned on the radio for awhile and heard Shakira/Rihanna's new song that sounded really bad ass. We all wanted to stop and pick up Shakira's new album but never got around to it. I don't think we ever stopped at any place that wasn't a convenience store or a restroom. I was uneasy going to Indiana. I really don't like Indiana or the people from it. I think it all started when I lived with my buddy's girlfriend at the time. She was born and raised and just really weird. Not weird in indie/avant garde trying to hard to be an outsider weird but just said irrational things constantly. She told us once she was a part of the british royalty even though she was not even british. We visited her house once and her house was nice but looked really unlived in and the way there was really sad. Indiana either got hit hard by the economy or they just want to look unlawful. Her friends were all rednecks. Wonder Lake has it's fair share of oddities but it's more like that one time thing that isn't a constant but when it happens it's a funny story to tell your friends that day or MAYBE the next. But that was everyone in Indiana, all the time. It was always a joke. IQ either dropped when you passed the state line or IQ is only relevant to where you live.
We drove by we I mean Eric and I. I think we went to ISU but we weren't in Indianapolis. I don't even know where we really were but I know it was on the west side of the state. The drive was about four hours. We got to the town and called up our hook up MoMo. We drove in circles for a while to try and figure out where we actually were. We met her at the dorms because that is where she lives. Where were we staying? Whatever I never asked because Mack never had a straight answer. She gave us a tour of the campus like it was college orientation. Pretty cool campus with a lot of outdoorsy sidewalk routes to take through parts of nature. We went to get lunch which Momo paid for which was super nice. She told us that they took different money at the campus then us monetary. There was an exchange rate and everything so everything was priced differently and came out differently. We maybe got 20 bucks worth of stuff at their 711 and it came out to be like 64 bucks. I was confused but shrugged because it was indiana after all. They don't know. So we ate and talked in the cafeteria. Then I got coffee too. It rained hard for a minute and we took a bus back to get the van and go to the house they were going to play at.
The house was pretty nice and since we were a band we got to park in the driveway which was a first. I didn't have to worry about the van getting broken into or anything. We headed into a two story house that was really quite quaint. It was nicely kept in order, had stuff in china cabinets and was really sleek and lean which I wouldn't ever expect from a show house but maybe this doesn't happen often. Everyone was fed with some bean soup that Momo made earlier and that was quickly devoured. I don't think I had some but I had other things on my mind. I had to poop. Two times in a week is on schedule for me so I headed upstairs to the bathroom. No one was in so I stepped in calmly and found out there was no lock. Beyond that, the door hardly even closed to begin with so I was appalled. I'm a long squatter. I'll poop, play games or read, and usually sometimes very rarely poop again in the same sitting. I'll be on the el bano for 10-30 minutes every time so after I poop my anus can calm down and get comfortable. But as soon as I got in there, I saw two people come up the stairs and wait in line. I panicked and hurried but they still were agitated. How long you going to be in there people came knocking at the door, barely opening it the only thing holding it still was the last shred of my dignity. I hardly wiped and saw that it was Momo. AWKWARD. But I'll make it awkwarder later. Foreshadow.
The show commenced and the pa was really working with the microphone. The first band was from west bend indiana which was weird because there is a west bend wisconsin that I have played at. They were pretty good punks, nice dudes later on, that was into thrash punk and acting funked up while not actually I don't think being fucked up. It was your classic 80's punk where degenerated trying to poorly make rhythmic music. All the bands played in the empty room and probably only 25 people were there and people spilled out into the staircase and over that into the kitchen. Then in front people would be in front of the band 5 deep and spill out through double doors into the living room that had an N64. They played and a lot of the pople were there to drink and have live music then to actually know or support the bands. I think Momo was collecting money but after the show just gave us some more of her sweet sweet money which was awesome. I think we got paid out 50? but I really don't remember those quantitative numbers. Cabeza twins were next and Eric had a gas mask on with a mountain dew can duct taped to the air hole which looked cool but throughout the set he took it off. Mack had on his real cool face scarf which fell off and Pat had on his kermit the frog cosplay hoodie hat thing on too. They played pretty hard and the pa got fixed between sets. The floor was wooden and yet again I always think it's just going to implode but probably because when I was growing up I always heard of people falling through their decks because of the shoddy workmanship in chicago. After Eric and I went for a smoke but his chillum was clogged. He blew out this thick, nasally resin ball and I got it stuck to my shoelace with my new shoes. The reminisce of it are still on there and it still urks me. Should have smoked it, shoelace and all but I'm no punk. We went back in to watch the last band which was gnarly. It was like dinosaur jr. with a girl singer/lead guitar and I rather enjoyed them. Way more surf frock then punk but I was fine with it. They had some chill vibes and the girl was really small and had freckles and orangish hair. Quite attracted to her stature.
After the show everyone stuck around and hung around and a few of us played conkers bad hair day which was awesome. Never played the multiplayer before so we did that and my team won. Then we went and played smash between Eric Pat and I. I think some girls might have been looking our way and every time I looked back at them I gave them this, I'm busy glare and all of them stopped looking our way and realized we didn't care about them. After eric beat us in smash, we went to mario kart which either was always broken or I found out that if you jump around turns it acts as drifting like in the newer games. I completely demolished pat and eric at that game. They beat me in battle so all is fair. Pat won battle. Can't forget. The first band was packing up and going to leave and I felt bad that no one bought their t-shirts but they acted pretty apathetic about it and just through the box around and didn't seem to care or acted like they did not care but really did. They asked if I could move my van and I thoroughly obliged and while I was gone they gave the Cabeza Twins free shirts and I missed out. This was the first time I felt like a roadie instead of just a dude with the band. I moved, they got swag and wouldn't give in to me asking about it. I wanted free. Everyone eventually cleared out until it was just the housemate, mom, me, the cabeza twins and maybe a cat. We ended up putting in terminator. Momo went to sleep upstairs and invited mack up there via text but he was not having it. Wondered why no one else got asked, NAIVE MUCH?!. Sleep.
ST LOUIS CK
We got out of Indiana. We all got up and I went across the street by myself to get some mexican food while witnessing a fender bender in the middle of an intersection. Everyone else took the van to get donuts and coffee. Actually I think we went for doughnuts late last night after the show to a shop that is open 24 hours. We finally got out of there and drove to St. Louis. The car rides were getting pretty stale so I tried to spice this one up. We stopped in some podunk gas station in southern illinois and I went up to the cashier to give him money to fill up our tank. He asked how many and I said 50 dollars. He looked at me and the dollar bill and said "50 dollars!" in a sort of astonished way. I brought the story back to the car and riffed off the idea of this slack jawed yokel never seeing any higher monetary amount in his life. I said things in a old oiler/miner's cartoon's voice like "50 dollars, you sir must be guvnor," or simply "50 dollars, I've never gone seen so much in my entire life." It really isn't that funny writing it down here. I didn't even think the original joke was all that clever but PAT ran with it. The lull in the car ride mixed with a joke and an impersonation just led him to the giggles. He had me repeat not only this car ride but 3 months later too.
We got to St. Louis and met up his Macks friend who skated. We met him at the epic deli of hot dog places which was kind of strange. Sandwiches are one thing but special, unique hot dogs and shit. Who really cares how they eat their hot dog and does it needed to be named after a thing in star wars. This food branding is becoming near junkie level bullshit and we need to stand up and start realizing it. Make your own damn hot dog and sandwich, don't let these faux hip restaurants tell you what they think is good on a god damn piece of bread. You do the exploring, if you gotta get one, get something fucking ordinary. Don't show your extraordinary self to no one but your private business.
Then we left for another under the highway skatepark which was a lot more inviting than FDR. This one had some pretty sketchy flat. At parts, mostly where they were trying to get a bowl section going, the cement on the ground was nice and solid but then when you got to the traditional street section with ledges, boxes and spines, the ground was just part torn up road other part dirt. But it worked and we probably skated for an hour and half and everyone was joining in in the festivities. Eric was trying out a board and taking what he learned in long boarding and bringing it to the realm of REAL boards. Mack was cruising in the bowl a lot. He took a picture of the dude doing a rock and roll I THINK on probably 10 foot up wall on a hole gouged out. IT was super sick. A lot of different things to skate here since all the boundaries also had cement lane dividers made into quarters and some that had stairs. The only problem was that a lot of the stuff needed to be touched up badly. Parts of the park where unskateable do to lack of cement. Some elements weren't level anymore. Some things were getting still made and repaired so at least it's still a constant work in progress and one day they will get to it. Skaters kind of bum me out. The dudes we were rolling with just constantly where moving around from one obstacle to another and maybe jamming in one spot but other dudes A LOT of dudes just chill. They literally bring fold out chairs and hang out and drink and sit on their phones and they aren't entirely in the way but they are still blocking a part of the park. Then their are the negative ned's that can't do anything and the things they might be able to do they don't do and they get pissed when you get in their way of not doing something they can even do but they keep trying because they saw someone else do it. Can't we all just get out and skate?
Then we headed to a bank spot behind a distribution facility and some auto shop. One side was a 45 degree slope and about fifty feet that got taller and taller and steeper. The other side had a wall leading into the bank. I did my usuall 180's and frontside shuvits but didn't really have anything in my wheel barrel. The others were manualing and doing some in and out flips on those manuals too. That was all pretty neat. I tried to ollie into the bank for awhile but couldn't get my back trucks up because I'm a pussy cat and anytime I ollie into something I try to lock up and pop up while my wheels are still spinning so I have less momentum but I can still clear some things. It kind of sucks but I try to do shit the easy way but still trick out in my later age of 24. I don't want to get hurt and have to pay more bills and miss more work. We left the bank and went to the back of a water treatment plant or something. There were huge sewer pipes. We had to park into some sketchy gravel area and walk a quarter of mile to this flooded cement land bridge. It was amazing but it smelled slightly of shit and the water was dark brown. We first had no solid handrail to walk down the stairs and hop at the end because it just stopped. We headed straight into a tighter pipe and drew a flare. I tried to tape it on my dash cam but it was all black and I lost a lot of footage due to not locking it. We could see in one pipe water flushing right on by. We couldn't go any farther without getting in a real tight situation and also soaking wet so we turned around and turned right. We walked down the brown cement sewer system for half mile then saw two opening. We couldn't decide which way to take so we flipped a coin and ended up going left which was the better choice. We probably lost light 100 yards in and that is when we decided to pull out a flare. We had to walk on the side of the pipes so we didn't get our socks wet in water. Then mud/shit was starting to be in the on the side of the pipe so either you had to tiptoe or try to jump a foot trail of doodoo butter. Some of us slipped, me included. We kept going until the pipe turned slightly left until the flare was out and it was pitch black. We found a gap in the wall where the right pipe was too and it was engorged with water and it was running a tad. We had to all pull out our phones for some light. We found some crocks back there and a mattress because this definitely in the summer is hobo underground railroad. Lot's of shopping plastic bags too. We hightailed out of there soon as we couldn't see anymore and we went back to the car so we could get to the show.
The venue was a shady broken down bar that was run by one man who was also the owner and the tenant. There was a deck in back and the bathroom we all scraggly and gnarly and everyone wrote gross shit all over the walls and mirrors and it wasn't that cool. The owner was a 50 year old mess that really didn't look like he had a thought in awhile since he was playing disco after the punk show and beforehand was playing other shit from the 70's. He must of went to college in the area and found out that he won and made a place where all the college kids wanted to go and do drugs and whatever the hell they wanted without any supervision. I think there was actually high school kids there because some of the musicians parents showed up for their first show which is awesome but weird because it was a bar show but I guess no one got id'd except people ordering drinks. The show up was pretty great. The place was packed and the deck in back was pretty busy too. Probably sixty people were there that weren't part of any bands which was probably the best too. The first band went on a few kids who painted there face and tried super hard to be punk. They actually knew about the ponx church that Mack ran back home and they wanted to play there so bad and do covers like it was some black flag bullshit. I thought it was cool that they had some sort of dream rather small and Mack and Pat thought it was strange but they were closer to the church, had more faith in it than I did. The place really started rocking and moshing and it was a lot of fun. I don't know if it was the booze or the St. Louis culture but they really like physical contact. Some old biker guy somehow wandered into the bar and FUCKING WAS LOVING THE moshing. He was tapping people and fist bumping people and it was all love at first. He had no hair and had a leather jacket on. After the first set he was complimenting all of us for how much fun he was having and how he thought we were going to be a bunch of fags and just head bob because of our long shaggy hair but instead we got down with his generation and was into rowdy violent behavior instead of just shoe gazing and holding hands and praying like a bunch of goths or alternatives. We were a direct genre. He told us all how he should invite his son and how he was just right down the corner and we were just like whatever. He said some racist shit to a black guy saying that he was a bassist and he didn't mean it like that it was just because of the flannel but we all were wearing it so he looked like a blatant idiot. I think he knew that.
The cabeza twins rocked and wore there get up. That dude's son showed up and they started by bumping into each other and knocking some emotional nuts around. Then they started ramming into people pretty hard. Everyone else acted like a wave and hit each other and hit the person behind them and it eventually wandered back around so the first person got hit. but with these different electrons in the molecule, they offset the whole living organism and ruin it. If a person got pissed for being knocked too hard and hit them back with just as much momentum, those egg heads would team up and gang up on people until that person left or just kept the same repetition going. It was getting old because people were getting pissed and drunker. People were getting hit hard and richoting off others and beer was spilling on peoples and the cabeza twins were playing harder then ever and the walls were shaking and someone got hit back and knocked a beer out of a persons hand and it flew up and hit the old dude on the head and he GOT PISSED. He went up to pat to talk on the mic and he took it and started yelling that he was about to kick someones ass for throwing beer at him because they were pussies and needed to get pounded or something sexual covered up in useless violence. The person that "threw" the beer raised his hand and apologized profusely. HE said he got hit and the beer got hit out of his hand. The dude was saying that he was still going to kick his ass and we booed him and the guy continued to apologize. Not to apologize so he didn't get his teeth kicked in but really it wasn't any one's fault. I got sprayed with beer, I spilt beer. Beer happens. The set ended and everyone started getting weirded out. Eric really took offense to those guys and wanted to get in a fight. I went for a chillem walk with him to cool him off. We came back and the bro and son were in back crying about their mother/exwife and hugging and calling relatives and it was like hicks finally went to oz to find their hearts. Somehow us stupid, crusty punks knocked something into or around in these leatherheaded nutjobs. The son was a juggalo and talked to the drummer from Animal Teeth who are from St. Louis and I met when they played up at Ponx and helped them find their way and they are forever grateful. The lead singer brings it up everytime I see him. They got on and went crazy. They played a super hard show that is different from their normal funky selfs and people were falling crazy about it. Eric seizured dance everyone to the 911 on their phones because he fell over and some people took it so serious but it was funny. He then began to just mosh into the father and son hard headed duo because he wanted to start some sort of fight with them. Pat did an elevator v handed pulp fiction dance through the crowd and got into those metal headed bikers and just started getting pushed around and it was hilarious. Somehow the geezer punched the bassist in the face while he was playing a solo and it started bleeding all over. They ended their set probably 7 minutes early because they were playing so much faster and the show ended and the dudes left and started walking the streets and we all breathed a sigh of relief. I met some cool dudes around and we started dancing when they played rap music past midnight and the neighborhood started passing by and grabbing a beer for the walk on home. We hung with Animal Teeth outside in the drizzling rain. The dudes nose was still bleeding a half an hour after the set. Mack tried to pass some merch to turn these dudes into parent garden killers. I met some orange headed dude that they all knew from the area and they said I would like him probably because he smoked. Adam King. We packed up and went to the strangest sleep house yet. Adam King new the kid and he said we could crash at his parents but we would have to be quiet. It was a half an hour from St Louis actually in Illinois down the block from Adam's. We had to sneek into this kids house and be quiet and go into his little sisters bunk bed room where she had walls filled with trophies and pictures of her and it was really strange and odd and I felt a little uneasy sleeping in a pink bed looking a teenage girl. Why would she want pictures of herself in her room. Made me think she didn't actually live there and the parents were divorced and this was her dads way of showing her how much he loved her. I slept. I woke up and finished my barq's root beer from the night before and mack called me gross and I said I did this shit all the time. Fuck him. We went home and I never saw these stupid smelly kids ever again because now they were stupid smelly poor men.
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