So you just punched into work. You have eight full hours in front of you which is half of your day. It's completely gorgeous outside, all the girls coming in our in tank tops and booty shorts, and some how all your friends do not have jobs and they keep calling you. We all want this to go by as fast as possible. To do that is to not think. Calm yourself before coming to your job and try to clear your mind. Maybe if that is not working to your advantage because your best friend just bitched at your for not hanging out last night then just try to remember any song from start to finish and make up the words as you go. This will come in handy in more ways then one. First you are pre-occupying yourself before you even enter your department. This gives you a task that you can probably try and finish by the end of the day that is not work. It could possibly help you develop but we are just doing this to keep your mind off of reality. Reality is exceptionally bad at work because it can suck you in. Your first priority is to trick time. By doing meaningless tasks that have nothing to do with work, you hardly remember reality is an option thus, for some reason, time goes by faster. That being said, try to not look at the clock. Nothing except familiar faces outside of the work place brings you closer to reality then time.
Begin to work at a turtles pace. Walk into the department as if you had a limp or slept on your leg funny. Just seem out of it but willing to work too. So as you are walking slowly through the aisles, tilt your head back and forth slowly so it looks like you are observing your surroundings. Do not actually observe. Just imagine the funniest things moments that you can recall. One time my friend Jared at work cut himself with a knife on accident while coring pineapple. He actually thought it was hilarious until we all told him it looked to be a pretty deep cut. He started to panic, running up and down the back room looking for a first aid kit but since he is accident prone, he has already used up all the band-aids. Finally he almost passed out. It's hilarious and/or a long story so just think about it and if some reason the story isn't working for you just add as many possibilities you can come up with. Congratulations, you are now in a state of lucidly daydreaming and this is the key ingredient to work. You trick your will power thinking that you were never actually at work. The reason you want to trick your willpower is because honestly, the only thing keeping from walking out those electronic doors into a utopian paradise is money that you desperately need to forget work. Everyone has a vice and if they don't then they probably don't work. Mine is marijuana but yours could be cigarettes, alcohol, video games, harder drugs, or cheap hookers. All of these things need money. Also some guilt but that comes full circle. As you are walking around the department, it helps to look busy if you are carrying something. I get a stocking L cart and carry it around like its attached to my hip for two reasons. I not only looking really important to the nagging customers thus they will seek out someone else to bother and I look working to the eyes of all managers. If they think you are working then in some backwards logic, you are actually working. This is important to do when you first punch in and after every other break including bathroom breaks, water fountain breaks, going to get returns from the service desk, and actual breaks. If you do it properly and really take your time, it should eat up about 20 minutes of your time which by the end of the day should be about two hours out of your day. Only six more to go.
After you are done with this you can actually add some bonuses to the day. The more you realize work resembles the simple mechanics of a video game the better. A bonus, just like a game, is when you are wasting your time with menial work but also disguising yourself as an actual competent worker. You impress your managers which leads them to stay off your case. The more you impress your manager with your "score" or your productivity (remember to the eyes of the managers) the better off you are because they will think you are always working even when you are in back eating stolen product from your store. You might be thinking that this is actually working but it's the easiest way to score a bonus and it's the easiest work in the department that involved no thinking. While walking around daydreaming, pretty up the aisles. The cleaner your department looks the less likely the managers ever come to over because you are giving them the impression everything is running smoothly even when there is a box on fire in the back room. Try to look as concentrated on whatever you are doing as much as rational. Even look puzzled too like you are trying to figure out a mathematical equation even though you are just staring at product. If product looks full then to everyone else that has never worked in the service industry including the customers and your managers, it is. You might think that this is not logical but my boss told me it and he dropped out of high school. Don't get stressed because you are smarter than the people you work for. That is just the way it is in a corporate world. Do everything they tell you because it's fucking imbecile and pointless but they told you to do it so you can't get in trouble even if it's the fucking stupidest thing you have ever heard. It happens frequently. Your first instinct would be to correct the mistake of the idiots but I warn you not to. I've tried to before because that is how you deal with downward spiraling mistakes but it will only bite you on the ass. Thinking only gets you more attention brought in on you at work. Thinking to a manager is like light is to a moth. It will only make you work harder in the end and your co-workers will resent you for fucking them over.
Always befriend your co-workers. You never know when they will come in handy during the day and you can even let them in on your little scheme. Never tell them your whole plan on wasting the day because if everyone does it then nothing will ever get done. I am hello friendly to everyone that works in the adjacent departments as well because you never know when your manager is going to go on break or lunch. When they do, you need to stop working as soon as possible and let everyone else know. Then commence the talking. Talk about recent events or even gossip. Only reveal yourself to a select few of the co-workers and let the other ones only know a little bit about you. Keep it fun and make the work relationships into a fun game to play. Try to find out about everyone and everyone's opinion of everyone else. If you get into the right conversations then it they might lead to actually thinking at work but you aren't actually thinking about work. Thinking now becomes a hobby. I have a friend at work that I always talk about art about and we usually dive pretty deep into the concept of it. Then I have another friend where we always talk about philosophical illusions in life like the definition of a color. Co-workers can help you look busy too because if a manager creeps up on your two talking about video games you can easily avoid the brutal conflict and switch the subjects into work. "Oh man I can't believe the BANANAS aren't filled." Talking is hard to average because it matters who is working and the pressure from your managers to get shit done. This could be from anywhere to an hour to pretty much the eight. But I'll take the least amount and say you have 5 more hours to go.
Find the most obvious job but the easiest too. Be the first to it. Plan it out before you even punch in and tell everyone that is what you are going to be doing. The last thing you want to do is have you co-workers hating you because that brings drama to the workplace and involves to much thought about work. Everything in work is work so don't meet to many people. Do not let your life revolve around work. I've seen the best of my team members let this happen and it usually leads to dropping out of school and having children. Thinking leads to stress and both of those things you do not want at work. You work hourly, savior your energy for after work. One half of your day is wasted by this shit and your job makes hundreds an hour off of you while you only make 9 dollars so find the littlest job like cleaning and "master" it. To master a task at work, you need to do it everyday and look natural while doing it. Make sure the job you are picking wastes as much time as possible. A half an hour is only 5 bucks without taxes taken out so look for some other job that will eat up plenty of hours. The definition of working is wasting your time so waste the fuck out of it. One bad thing about this situation is that if you come in later in the day then the jobs become slimmer. If you notice that there is nothing to do, be alarmed. The only thing you can do in this stage is either try to hide throughout the store. Check the computers, look at the schedule or even talk in a work concentrated areas. Also one of the easiest jobs to do is already doing a job that has never been finished. If a co-worker went on break but left his cart on the floor then it is fair game. Go over there and finish their job for them. It was through their negligence that they left their project completely open for a snag so teach them all a lesson. Not only are you wasting time on a little project but if a manager comes by then they will think you did the whole thing. BONUS! This should definitely finish up your day. 5 hours will go by rather quickly while doing these jobs because they are time consuming which is what we need when we are working. Now it is time to go home, call up everyone that tried to get you to call of work and spend money like you already have it. You work for a reason and that is to show your economical dominance over your poor, college friends. Good luck trying to save it up to pay off your loans.
No comments:
Post a Comment