I don’t know why they dragged me into this car. They needed some companion to go with them to the mall but I just needed to be left alone. I just crawled on his back seat and curled up in a ball with my head leaning over the edge of Jon’s cheap interior. My stomach was in knots and every time I looked up at their faces always seemed to look worried. They talked over the Ipod about working at an ice cream shoppe and primarily about a customer they classified as Asian Invasion. I didn’t wanna have to hear about their school boy shenanigans. The more and more I heard about girls, the stranger they became to me. It felt like peer pressure when they talked about situations they have been in with girls. It puzzles me that they have slapped their co-workers asses and sprayed them down with whip cream and I still am left out on all those scandalous, idiotic ideas. You think I would get women because I have never done shit like that but logic never seems to play a vital part in flirting. Thinking and hearing don’t help my situation so I wrapped my hood around my face and buried it into Jon’s aged-sweat smelling seat. I steadily breathed with my eyes shut just listening to the cars pass.
I woke up do to the lack of motion. We hit rush hour. I cringe as I try to sit up. My eyes flared with pain from forcing them not to tear. I am just worrying about rumors, I tell myself. My anxiety has taken over the best of me and has left me depressed. And I haven’t eaten a thing in 30 hours. I’m just running off the fumes from Jon’s 4- door Sedan exhaust and the solitude of spoken less words. How didn’t I see this coming? It’s happened before, why wouldn’t it happen once again? But what I truly worry about most is if it will always be this way. Am I not a man enough to hold a girls hand? Was I raised to be the prey in all of these girls games? I keep stomaching these questions until it feels like my insides might implode. I steady my hand on the seat and start slowly moving towards it and begin laying on my back.
I stare out the window and watch the clouds part on an early November day and all I could wish for was a steady stream of rain so we could go back home and forget about the uselessness of forgiving. But it didn’t happen. The day actually kept on getting nicer as my stomached turned over onto itself. I didn’t own a phone so all I had was my friends to listen. But they didn’t seem to care. They never had days off together since they worked at the same place but today was an exception. I wished I worked there. But none of my wants were answered anymore. The more I grew up the less faith I had in a communal morality that I desperately clung too. I’m a decent guy, socially awkward but outgoing. I have tried to change to suit the needs of others but that metamorphosis never seems to switch on the other way around. I haven’t lunged for a female companion in four years and it was obvious. Things have changed in our society and in our development that made me feel slightly stunted to the rest of the guys I hear about at school. None of them were my friends but I was told they existed.
Guys always talked about sex or some form of it and that was the polar opposites of females. I didn’t have a clue of what they discussed because whenever they were around I still said the same old things. Video games, adult swim and random ideas. I talked to them just as if they were a guy and I thought that would be impressive. But they hardly seemed relatively interested in me and I knew this but their was something different about Brittany Johnson. Or BJ for short. She was a nerd like my friends. She was in all the honor classes with me even though I didn’t deserve to be. I somehow always placed in them but I always ended up getting C’s or B’s. Nothing spectacular but they kept letting me enroll and I liked the intellectually charged atmosphere. She also played video games and loved all the quirky shit I showed her. She was also foreign to me too. While she had all these things that I thought related to me she still showed me how different she was compared to other girls. She openly has talked to me about sexual encounters. I had nothing to say. It was the same world that I was used to with all the geek sheik and awkward joke telling but new at the same time. I felt like I could at least try to pursue her because we have met previously throughout our classes but never actually hung out. I still could pull this off. But it only took two months to notice that she was just like all the other girls that I have ever met. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. She loved to gossip and cause drama when it was never needed. She liked to get too drunk and say she forgot about what happened the night before. She loved to keep secrets to herself only if she knew it would hurt you. It felt new but it was the same old shit, just a different name. But she wasn’t to blame, I was for ever trying to fully trust anyone I did not fictionally make up in the back of my mind. After going through the dates (dinner and a movie, sister’s birthday present shopping), the parties where we got so hammered we were basically on top of each other, the sleep overs where we turned each other down, I finally realized that I was getting nowhere emotionally or physically with you. I thought I was done. We were never anything official until she cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend numerous times.
We just pulled into the mall parking lot, always full, and I found myself blabbering. My friends were intently listening and I felt like I sold out a venue. Thy just looked back, nodded and both said “That’s fucked up.” I agreed but it was much more than that. But they would never go through these sorts of situations that I seemed to only attract to. They were just like everyone else, the kids I heard about but never actually met. They got to flirt with women, slap them on their asses and call them after school. They never revealed themselves but they just put a false facade so they could do the normal shit that boys do. They never would know how to react in my situation and the only way they can comprehend it was saying something short and sweet. The only one who could respond to myself the way I wanted to hear it was me. So I started writing to fill the void that kept on growing and I threw the littered with words pages to make it look full. We got to the mall and I sat down and ate at a Chinese restaurant. I always wondered why they gave you so much food but now I know. For days like this. I’m surprised but I finished the whole plate. Even though my friends could of been there for me and could of said what I wanted to hear, they responded better with their silence. Getting it off my chest was what I needed to be able to constantly take these blows from outside forces. Most of the time it’s the little things that we all need. And a little revenge.
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