All I hear from my room is the phone ringing. I was just sitting on my bed dreading this Monday night. Nothing to do and I just recently ended contact with a whole group of friends. Justin, Tito, Joey. They were becoming all thugged out. Yeah we liked to listen to rap but that never meant that I wanted to actually be “hard” or whatever the expression is. I didn’t need anything to compensate me being a young adult. I rather be inside playing magic the gathering or some video game then pulling Christmas decorations off of houses and stealing peoples mail. Yeah when we pulled off that guys wired lights and his gutter fell off I laughed. Then we ran trying to escape the scene but he caught up to us asking if we had a knife. I didn’t. He did. Then the next week they offered me some weed and do to my naivety I declined. I never went back over there after that night because it was just a ticking time bomb. They started drinking anything around their houses and they always blamed there parents. So now I just read in my room like I used to do.
For some reason I started avoiding the phone for a few weeks. I still went online though but I didn’t want to talk to anyone “in” person. Through this array of friendships I met my first girlfriend. I would hardly call it that because we never even met. Justin was going out with a girl named Tiffany and since I was always over there somehow me in direct contact with Justin left me with one of her friends. She was cute and she thought I was cute too. Wow an actual response from a girl. I wasn’t used to that so that flattered me. I figured this would be the easiest way to sustain a relationship, electronically, since the weirdness of the world didn’t have to bog me down. It didn’t just start with us going out. We would chit chat online but not to the extent I was particularly used to. I would stay up late nights talking to people because I had the energy from not talking during the school day. But let’s just say that things really hit off. We were supposed to meet once, a few days after I asked her out via the Internet but she wasn’t there. She went to some hotel party. Now that was when Snoop Dogg just put out “Holiday Inn” so these things were getting popular among my age group. That was pretty shitty because I got to hear from kids at school that she was there.
The word got around pretty fast when people heard I had a girlfriend. Either they didn’t believe that I actually could get a girlfriend or I was the last sane person left in school that never had one. I grew up in a class of 50 students so everyone was really into each others business and it made everyone really close to one another. Then we started talking on the telephone which was hard because for some immature reason I needed to keep this information from my parents. They could not know I had a girlfriend because I thought they would disown me. They eventually found out from the late night phone giggles and did not even care. They actually never really asked me about my girlfriend and I liked it like that. I knew about her family and she knew about mine and we really tried to have some sort of bond even though we were really just strangers that met through friends. We were strangers that knew about each others personal information but no one really could clarify what was real and what was fictional. She once told me that her friend Katie and her stole a car. Then another time she told me they threw their tampons at some wall while walking around Fox Lake. I thought that was weird but somehow humorous as well.
We tried to set up times that we would meet each other. I was going to the local skate park and she skated too so she was supposed to meet me there. I showed up and looked around for her but no one ever showed up. Every time I got ditched the less and less I cared for her. I hate being the one that puts in all the effort and then it never seems to compose into anything. It makes me worry that I am just being guilted into friendships and through my curiosity and courteousness, I am the one that ends up discerningly hurt. Being in a relationship is no different than being in a friendship. Or they should be treated them same.
As our relationship was deteriorating she actually started calling me more and I would purposely either not be home at 4:20 which was when she called or I just wouldn’t pick up. I would listen to the message, delete it, and regress it. My parent’s say the phone is for me but I already know. I have a phone in my room so I pick it up. I don’t think we have talked for a week. We usually type every night but their is a big difference between the words you read and the voices you hear. Anyone can type words but only one person has their distinct voice. Talking on the phone always made me uneasy and confused. I hated the silence when two people just didn’t know what to say anymore, that pause between the last moment and the next conjured one. It bugged me because if no one is talking, why be on the phone? Some people just put more faith in it and it made me feel like a grown up as if this is what adults did in relationships. Oh I had such a feeble mind.
We both hardly let any words out but we just talked about our day like it was usual business but through her audible sounds I could tell something was different. A person’s voice is determined and you know what emotional state they are in just by hearing them talk and once you know someone well enough, or you think you do, you can pick up on these vocal clues. She didn’t seem like herself and I knew what was inevitable. We both started working our phrases to get to the conclusion. The conclusion to us. She asked if she could have a moment to herself and I said sure. I knew what was coming but it always knocks you off your guard until it really happens. She came back to the phone while I sat down on some milk crates with one leg over the other. She began sobbing on the phone and I teared up too. We both mutually broke up even though the pieces were never really in order.
We always talked about doing physical stuff like having sex but I wouldn’t even say this relationship was even real. It was fabricated on societal pressures but it still helped me develop. It made me feel normal for the three months that it took place. It felt like a fling. It almost felt like I used her because she was a year younger then me just so I could feel once again. I quickly forgot her and we never talked after that. I heard 2 years later from her friend Katie who moved to McHenry that she cheated on me. Even though I forgot who she was like a bad story in a bad book, it still got to me and it felt like I got socked into the stomach. Some times the fiction leaves bigger imprints then the real.
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